“Am I the only one I know?
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat,
Shadows will scream that I’m alone.”
-Migraine, Twenty One Pilots
My dad has always warned me about living inside my head too much. Living inside my head isn’t an issue of getting lost in a whimsical world like that of Anne of Green Gables. I don’t often daydream about a Lake of Shining Waters or of fairies in a Haunted Wood. Instead, my mental residence is sometimes characterized by loops of worried thought and a hopscotch game of fears and doubt.
Until recently, I never considered my racing thoughts as a form of spiritual warfare. Meaning, my spirit, which wants to conform to Christ, is attacked by the “flaming darts of the evil one” (Eph 6). In other words, the very real mental anguish I sometimes feel is not just a mental issue that can be physically mended. This is not just a problem that can be solved with mental resolve and new habits.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness…” - Ephesians 6:12, ESV
Paul’s exhortation, “For we do not wrestle with flesh and blood,” does not just refer to our conflicts with others, but also our conflicts within ourselves. When I fight against my anxious thoughts, this is not just a battle against my flesh and blood but a battle against a greater foe. A foe whose only objective is to separate me from the Prince of Peace and the Giver of Life.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” - John 10:10, ESV
While racing thoughts are truly a concern, the real problem and the real solution lie in my view of Jesus.
“The Lord is my _________________.”
A couple of weeks ago, my counselor asked me to read Psalm 23 as an anti-Psalm. She meant for me to read the Psalm and change the words to address the feelings I had toward Jesus at the moment. I had already recounted my continual frustrations with work and cried through my raw doubts about faith. I nervously giggled that it might be a little dark. This Psalm would not be comforting, nor fitting for a coffee mug.
So, I started reading, my head bent toward my Bible with my mind searching for the words to say. The words that really circled my heart and my head like vultures waiting to pick and tear.
“The Lord is my… accuser, He does not give me what I need.”
I couldn’t go any further. Sobs poured out along with the words. I was surprised and sickened to hear them. Is this really how I view Jesus? Is this why my mind just keeps circling around the same things? No wonder I don’t turn to Him. No wonder I feel stuck.
This realization was like a light switch. It made sense that I would be stuck in loops of guilt and doubt -- guilt for sinning and doubt that Jesus made any difference -- because I viewed Him as a heartless, merciless judge telling me what I already knew. There is no relief in a Savior like this.
But that is not who Jesus is.
“The Lord is my Shepherd.” -Psalm 23:1
It turns out that my distorted view of Jesus is the deep, dark place where the spiritual battle really lies. My racing thoughts are just a symptom or a distraction from the deeper and more costly lie. The primary battle is trusting God is who He says He is, believing Him with my words and actions, and turning to Jesus all the time. The real battle is knowing that Jesus is my Shepherd and my Savior. For it is only then, that I will turn to Him in guilt, shame, and fear and truly find relief.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30
What do your behaviors reveal about your beliefs about Jesus? How do you remember daily that the Lord is your Shepherd?
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