These are a few reflections on motherhood so far. It's wonderful, it's raw, and I could use a good long nap.
Nursing
I wasn't sure if I was going to make it.
After hours upon hours of cluster feeding and waking up 3-4 times a night, literally clocking 5 hours of breastfeeding a day, I didn't think I could make it past the six-month mark. Though I felt close to B (how could I not with him practically pinned to me), nursing didn't make me feel emotionally close to him. It was an obligation, a good thing that should be done. And I was too lazy, maybe too much of a control freak, to add formula into the mix.
But now I get it. Now that I'm not locked to the couch all day long, I actually enjoy nursing him. These are the few moments when he will be still in my arms. These are the moments of quiet before a nap or bedtime. These are the moments I can be in awe that I get to be his mama.
I'll be sad to wean him when the time comes. I suspect this will be the first of many endings and transitions, but I'm grateful that joy did spring from sacrifice.
Comparison
My baby sleeps through the night. What about yours?
We are trying a baby-led weaning approach to eating. What about you?
My baby prefers wooden toys. What about yours?
I never imagined that sleep schedules, eating habits, and nursing choices would be a source of comparison, judgment, and pride. While we can do some objectively bad things to or for our kids, I'm pretty sure these aren't on that list.
In these first few months of parenting, I've already compared myself to the moms around me -- from their put-together outfits to the number of toys in their living room. I've already judged other moms for their choices. I've already felt defensive when talking to friends who have babies who sleep through the night soundly (ahem, still waiting for B to do that).
At times, I've felt like the best mom. At other times, I've felt like the worst mom.
Either way, I'm wrong. The cycle of judging and feeling judged for choices that don't determine my value (or theirs) is a cycle that breeds loneliness in a season of life when friendship and support are imperative.
Thankfully, the Spirit has not let my sin fester. I am not stuck, nor do I want to be. Though I'm sure this is only the beginning, I realize I don't have to defend every detail of my parenting choices. I don't have to respond to a mom friend from a place of comparison. I don't have to feel inferior to other moms I perceive as more "put together."
I can stop and turn to the God who forgives. As humiliating as it feels, I can ask forgiveness from my mom friends. Neither of us has to be captive to expectations about secondary things. Right?
Then, once our little ones are out of diapers and into sports teams, grades, and dating, I know we'll have to remind ourselves about grace and forgiveness all over again.
Everything is Learning
Most things I do are routine and automatic - exercise, cooking, eating, working, driving. I can do it all with half my attention on the task and the other half of my mind going through a checklist of worries and to-dos.
I can go days without pausing to appreciate the taste of food or the feeling of a soft sweater. I read through articles, watch TV shows, and work on projects in such a frenzy that there is little time for reflection before starting something new.
When was the last time I was curious about something? When was I last in awe of what I saw or read? When was the last time all my senses were engaged in one task?
But, for Byron, everything is new. Everything is learning. From watching a ball roll on the floor to the taste and feel of a slimy piece of avocado to crumpling a paper, there is always a reason to be surprised and find delight.
I've watched him stick his tongue out to feel the wind, bite couch cushions, and smile big while ringing a cowbell. I can't get enough.
He can't explain what he's learning, but nothing is wasted. One day, He'll dump balls from a basket and watch one as it rolls on the ground. The next day, he bounces a ball on the ground to send it rolling away from him, his eyes and ears locked on the movement. Suddenly, this simple game keeps him occupied for a few minutes.
Of course, he doesn't have any responsibilities, and this is just how babies learn, but I know these babies are onto something.
Our senses are dulled, and our imagination is stunted in this digital landscape. When I watch B, I become more sensitive to the physical world around me. I have more reason to slow down and notice the leaves unfolding on the tree outside the living room window, the warm water in the tub, the sweet taste of a raspberry.
None of it is new to me, but I still have a lot to learn.
New Job Titles
Mother. Toymaker. Vertical Support. Stuffed Animal Groomer. Baby Food Chef. Pedagogical Researcher. Obstacle Course Designer.
P.S. If you didn't notice, I have a new domain name! High Arches Wellness is now GWenos Creative. This site will house blog posts, fun freebies, and my content marketing portfolio. Thanks for reading and please share!
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